In an attempt to be decent, I've resisted posting this for nearly 4 months, but some guys are simply begging to be heard. . .
11.03.2009
Always carry cats pointed away from you.
"Gosh", said Suzy. "How did you know it was the rancher all along?" "Simple, Suzy", thundered Giant Boy Detective, his freakishly loud voice echoing off the walls of the old mine. "Cow patties don't sparkle - that was gold dust on his boots!"
11.02.2009
That Dr. Phil is a piece of work. Would it kill him to mesmerize somebuddy once in a while?! Hell, I'm the one paying his damn salary - I should get a vote.
If we learned anything from the old cartoons, it's that Alice the Goon loves Popeye. She would say "I love Popeye" over and over in that nasal, unintelligible goon-speak of hers, sounding not unlike the unseen adults on Charlie Brown shows.
Studies have shown that one of the healthiest things you can be doing is to repeat "I love Popeye, I love Popeye" as often as possible, imitating not the voice of Alice the Goon, but the reliable, objective timbre of your favorite news anchor. You can do this while relaxing at home, getting in your reps at the gym, or during brief pauses in company meetings when no one else is speaking.
9.11.2009
Boy, it stings to find out that I'm bitter against God =( But thank heavens that good Christian witness was kind enough to open my eyes =D If only I had a wholesome Chick tract to tell me what I should do =\
9.08.2009
Kick my ass the day my own photo takes up half my homepage.
9.02.2009
Remember in "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" how at the end, the apes revolted and took over? If I had been in charge of some of those apes, that never would have happened. I'd have been tough, but fair.
8.31.2009
I'm sure we've all heard this a few dozen times, haven't we?
It's awful seeing guys conducting their disgusting "fantasy football" draft in a public place, as if all those NFL players are just pieces of meat to be haggled over.
Also, I admire and respect how restaurant men's rooms often have a newspaper posted above the urinals. Except it's always the front page - never the want ads.
8.23.2009
I hope I don't forget to be absolutely enchanting.
8.20.2009
As recently as a hundred years ago, people were clamoring for a yogurt that would regulate their bowels, yet their earnest hopes went unrealized. Today, you and I are truly, truly blessed to live in such a golden age as this.
"To most Americans, the financial malaise gripping this country is completely unrelated to the world's 'Pandemic Flu' but those who feel this way are simply naïve and un-informed. The truth is, the world's 'Power Elite' have engineered both conditions as part of their computer-driven model for their ultimate centralization of power. Make no mistake, nothing concerning the economic meltdown and the lab-created flu pandemic is 'natural' it is completely and totally happening by DESIGN."
When someone claims "PRINCE WILLIAMS IS THE ANTI-CHRIST", you can bet the farm that they know what they're talking about. Case Closed.
8.05.2009
How many internet forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1- to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14- to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7- to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1- to move it to the Lighting section 2- to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7- to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5- to flame the spell checkers 3- to correct spelling/grammar flames 6- to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2- industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15- know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19- to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11- to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36- to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7- to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4- to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3- to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13- to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5- to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4- to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13- to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 17 - to say they have the best brand lightbulb and accuse the rest of being fanboys 1- forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
7.31.2009
Last night I dreamed that the old Monty Python feature "Storage Jars" was actually about storage batteries. It was slightly more informative, though less amusing.
If you see me on the 8pm news, it's because someone who looks like me may or may not have illegitimately accompanied my nephew's girlfriend into an R-rated movie without staying to view it with them. (According to the employee at the box office, said movie was entitled "The Orphanage".) I've got to lay low, so this may be my last post for a while.
7.18.2009
I'm waiting for them to come out with a friends network for alcoholics, called Shitfacebook.
Only coupler more days 'til Teenage Nephews ship in from up yonder. Then we can clean up this dang town proper!
7.10.2009
Wow - I might would've actually voted, had I been aware that one of the candidates had two left hands.
7.08.2009
Remember: when someone says "You're welcome", always say "Thank You".
Once back in 1970, DC Comics featured a fascinating reader survey, so they'd "know who you are and what you think is groovy".
6.26.2009
A new crop glyph showed up last weekend at England's infamous Milk Hill site.
6.25.2009
You can't beat this with a stick:
<< MuadDib, i say this with sincerity and do not intend to sound mean or rude, but perhaps you need to study the bible more. sit down, read the scriptures, cry out to god and commune with the divine in seclusion and solitude. it seems you are in dire need of completing a thorough and substantial spiritual endeavor with god and his holy scriptures >>
It's uncanny, because I was born again just yesterday and have never, ever done any of those things =D
You know how when you're at Wal-Mart and you notice yourself on the TV monitor, so you decide to act out a clever idea for a sitcom, in which you'll say "Oh no you don't!" and your kid is supposed to fall into water, but you can't get her to play along? Any suggestions?
6.04.2009
Why there's different rules for some people, I do not know. On the one hand, you have a diligent, dedicated company manager, on call essentially 24/7, who once in a while fails to be sterling-goddamn-perfect on the phone with some of the lower level employees, mostly due to the high pressure and high volume of her workload, combined with the inefficiency of said employees upon whom she relies for important data. And yet these same people, whom she's always having to chase down for time-sensitive reports, can whine to the owner that the manager was "short" with them on the phone, and the owner is suddenly in the manager's face demanding better teamwork and positive communication skills from her. Nevermind that the owner, too, has been complaining about the same inept peons for weeks and months yet for some reason refuses to clean house and hire someone reliable.
Beats me. Sometimes you just can't win. If you're good, you need to be *better*. But if you're a useless baby, you get naptime and a lolipop and a free paycheck for showing up.
6.02.2009
Microsoft Word dares to tell me that "indefinity" isn't a word, but "indefiniteness" is. That sucks. I'm going with indefinity.
"John Angeline was charged with fatally running over gas station attendant Haeng Soon Yang in Mossy Rock, Wash., in April after she tried to stop him from leaving without paying for $34 in fuel. Angeline, captured nearby, explained to police that he had run over the woman because she looked like she was about to 'cast a spell' on him. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 4-7-09]"
5.20.2009
Interesting article here discusses the Large Hadron Collider at Cern in light of ancient religious premises. Includes a mayan drawing of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl emerging from an 8-spoked symbol which may or may not look like the LHC.
5.16.2009
It's kind of tempting to try and get back into shape to play hockey again, just so I can shout "OW!" every time I make a save.
Shyeah, right. These eggheads need to stick to their nucular radiation and magnets and leave proving-stuff-about-vampires to the rest of us.
5.04.2009
I'm gonna be filthy vile rich when I create a new line of action figures called Boyfriends of the Old West. Each cowbeau has a spring-loaded arm triggered by a button on his back for realistic quick-draw action. Come evening, replace the gun in his hand with flowers.
It's good to find others who hold such appreciation for that one Arnie Pye comeback.
4.26.2009
Dear diary, I sometimes end up with church people on the internet calling me an "asshole" without my even trying. You would hope that people who get outraged over some nobody preaching mildly against the grain would notice that their responses are so very incongruent with their religious claims, to the point that it might open their eyes. Perhaps not. Anyway, your lunch is ready.
It's probably still a good idea to tell mad scientists they'll never get away with it even if deep down inside you kind of suspect they will.
Part 2 features multiple disgusting displays of fondness (so be sure to crank the volume). I'll go ahead and spoil the ending for you: the daughter casts a spell by naming every food in the house, which summons the voice of her mother as a disembodied astral construct.
For all my various homegirls. . . Look for your mom to have this special talk with you when you turn 30 like the daughter in the film.
3.28.2009
Lol - I forgot about this one. . .
Quote of the week from back in January:
"Asshole you know nothing of Yeshua."
(Directed at me regarding a point I was making about our need to abandon churchy, self-righteous bullshit and be real.)
3.27.2009
"Please allow me to share with you how 'The Secret' changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. . ."
Best book review ever.
3.26.2009
I have no initial reason not to feel somewhat optimistic about this ambitious new Three Stooges project.
Only *deluxe* tools like me are lame enough to wait in line for 25 minutes with their kid at midnight to buy some kind of shiny round thing.
3.17.2009
Based on this preview art, I can only assume the new X-Men story arc features Gary Busey taking over as Wolverine.
3.16.2009
Who can blame Jay Cutler for wanting to be traded to another team? They hurt his feelings when he was mentioned as trade-bait during the past few weeks, because he didn't want to be traded. So now he does, and I'm totally in his corner on this. I don't think those guys in Denver's front office know what they're doing. . .weren't they paying attention when Cutler claimed he has the strongest arm in the league?! Sometimes a 25-year-old just has to roll up his sleeves and whine for anyone to take him serious. God bless you, Jay - you're one of the good ones.
3.15.2009
Controversial article about the controversy surrounding the alleged use of the name of Jesus Christ to terminate alleged alien abduction episodes.
(Now with 20% more Controversy*)
*allegedly
3.14.2009
For two months now, I've had Homeboy's copy of Watchmen sitting on my shelf pleading with me to read it before seeing the movie. And I'm a-gonna. I swear.
3.11.2009
Quote of the day. . .
"Moon was full last night"
"Well, in the USA it was full, but I'm in Europe."
This is about what it boils down to, but mainstream church-bots are dead-set on defending their warped, poisoned version of the Father at all cost (because examining apparent contradictions is a serious no-no).
Some people are so fascinating, you simply cannot look away.
2.28.2009
You know you're on the cutting edge when they're only just now advertising the butter you've always liked.
2.26.2009
I think I'm gonna market Practice Yahtzee. It'll be just like regular Yahtzee, except it doesn't count.
2.25.2009
New joke: The manager of a high-volume business in a high-stress industry set up her Outlook email preferences to display a light blue background on her company emails. This was four years ago. So today, the pompous, high-maintenance company owner angrily calls her and demands that she change that background to white, saying "You are wasting all my blue ink!"
That one definitely belongs on a Bazooka Joe wrapper.
2.24.2009
It's sad how much dust the TV collects just sitting there. It's been forever since we took it outside and played catch with it.
2.23.2009
Deep within man's primal instincts lies the impulse to calculate how much money he's saved by going a year without a haircut. Those visits to one's grooming technician every 5 weeks can add up, but a complication arises when you realize there are other factors to be considered, such as an increase in shampoo consumption. So forget it.
2.18.2009
I stumbled across this old transcription of a bible study by Vernon "David Koresh" Howell. Quite interesting - it's pretty obvious where he's going by the end of the script, alluding to his belief that he himself personally is named in scripture as God's ultimate prophet (which he conveniently changed his own name to. What are the odds?)
The bit where they're trying to guess how far it is to Israel is somehow hysterical.
If there was a foreign guy on your oil rig named Quam, and you worked on an oil rig, you should probably try to be a little nicer to him than that burly guy Dan is. Dan isn't even the foreman - he's just a big insecure jerk. Who gives a damn what his girlfriend looks like.
2.11.2009
Since when are the Cub Scouts allowed to file a counter-suit?! I didn't expect it to get this ugly.
I knew it! Because there's no such thing as a "scrotum"!
1.25.2009
If there was a movie called "Fangs of the Mummy II", you think it would have the same guy who starred in the first one? They could have re-did his contract, or maybe he moved on to a different project. It happens.
1.19.2009
I'm pretty certain that Steve Martin is being blackmailed.
1.10.2009
So when my life partner took me to some bistro called the Texas Land and Cattle Steakhouse, I didn't know exactly what kind of decor to expect. . .maybe a lot of pastels, or plaid? Definitely not more steer horns and branding irons than I ever knew existed! Well, they can just take their little Texas theme and walk it straight back to wherever they came from.
I thought the football only had to break the plane of the 8 yard-line. . .?!
They's stupid down over at the Kroger's. They got pistachios on the shelf with a label says "$2.99", but they been ringin' up at "2 for $3". Plus, there's a freaking coupon on 'em. Buncha MO-rons. Yeah, I'll take their snacks for practically free.
This guy just called me a "delusional fuck tard" over something sarcastic I said (about someone else) which he took serious.
If the sting doesn't go away soon, I'm gonna have to make a collage of myself just to feel better.
12.14.2008
So my kid's making a sandwich, and I tell her "Mustard is a colloid", and she doesn't seem to care! WTF?!
If you go to the movies to see Doubt, and they show the trailer for Revolutionary Road, be sure at some point to exclaim really loudly about the amazing quality of CGI these days.
12.12.2008
One subject they don't preach on enough is that Jesus ate Honeycomb (Luke 24). . .
"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and I want a BIG cereal!"
They say I'm supposed to get snow tomorrow, but right now, I have about 70°. They may think they know me, but they don't.
12.07.2008
No matter what your favorite show is, the best episode is always that one where McKenzie's partner gets killed 2 days before his retirement, sparking a vendetta that leads to all-out war in the streets.
11.24.2008
Vacation is the thing. They have TV here, and we watched the Dolphins game in Spanish, and a Disney movie ("Henry Potter and the Fist of Mylanta", I think).
Also, I never would have guessed that the locals' favorite saying is "Sir, this is NOT a nude beach!"
11.21.2008
Anybody like Goth/Industrial?
11.14.2008
If we American drivers would just hang up our stupid cell phones and concentrate on flossing, our teeth would be so much healthier.
Then there was that time Emmanuel said that Raul wasn't a real Mexican. Raul didn't seem to care, so maybe it was true.
11.11.2008
I'm totally in the zone.
(That isn't dangerous, is it?)
11.10.2008
So it seems that as of 2 weeks ago, AOL canned all their members' homepages, with little notice. I'll be sifting through the wreckage here & there to see what I want to bother rebuilding. For now, the fine people at Bravenet have agreed to host my Archives, so the world doesn't have to struggle along without my touching sentiments from days gone by. Re-uploadifying music will prolly be next, but who knows.
If you're sending an email to some guy, you can sarcastically call him "Sire" instead of "Sir", and claim it was a mere typo if they get bent out of shape over it.
Life just gets better and better.
11.04.2008
So I read on TV that these election guys are having some kind of race, and they were questioning whether younger voters would have the patience to stick around and vote if the lines are long, which could effect the outcome. But they musta forgot that today's yuppies have all their fancy iPhones and e-machines and A-Rods, and prolly don't mind waiting around like they would have in the old days.
As for me, I'm not even gonna try to go out in this. 75°F doesn't sound bad, but imagine the windchill.
