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Catch 22 on Cloud 9
3.24.2014

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some TV commercial tell *me* "Do Not Attempt"


posted at 4:25 PM by Kevin

87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based


posted at 4:23 PM by Kevin

12.31.2013

I kind of wonder whether professional assassins keep both a Hit list and a Shit list. Seems like it'd be easier to just combine them into one.


posted at 12:13 AM by Kevin

9.26.2013

Christianity: It's perilously fragile.


posted at 2:37 PM by Kevin

3.31.2013

Spiritual guidance for the androgynous ne'er-do-well.


posted at 3:15 AM by Kevin

2.05.2013

My new favorite genre is Christian Rad!


posted at 6:51 PM by Kevin

2.03.2013

And they shall know that you are My disciples by your love HORRIFIC SPELLING.


posted at 12:17 AM by Kevin

1.31.2013

You know you've come a long ways when such a premise seems completely absurd.


posted at 1:25 PM by Kevin

1.15.2013

I can't see any reason to object to this. . .


posted at 4:31 PM by Kevin

12.31.2012

I'm having a difficult time finding this "bag of dicks" everyone keeps recommending. It's apparently quite popular.


posted at 2:31 PM by Kevin

11.12.2012

WELL, I'VE SOLVED THE PROBLEM WITH AN ORTHODONTIC RUBBER BAND AND A TOOTHPICK. FUCK YOU, PHYSICS.


posted at 12:39 PM by Kevin

10.30.2012

male: "Emily Owens, MD is just Herman's Head."

female: "Herman's Head wasn't a doctor."

male: "Yes, that slight difference makes it totally different."


posted at 9:04 PM by Kevin

10.19.2012



posted at 12:42 PM by Kevin

9.17.2012

Exactly. "Waah - they were still trying!"


posted at 4:07 PM by Kevin

9.05.2012

"Financial war is down to a few small factions and key individuals; lots of high profile deaths seen"


posted at 5:06 AM by Kevin

7.26.2012

Well, I for one am convinced.


posted at 7:42 PM by Kevin

7.14.2012

"So what's the attraction? The consensus is that the movie is so bad it's actually painfully funny to watch."

I watched it for myself. It's a docudrama about a closeted football team.


posted at 1:26 PM by Kevin

7.05.2012

http://www.gingerpeople.com/gin-gin-candies/hot-coffee-ginger-chews.html


posted at 1:12 PM by Kevin

5.10.2012

May is apparently Mental Health month. Hug a self-righteous zealot :)


posted at 4:11 PM by Kevin

3.09.2012

So, in my dream, Ellen Page wandered by wearing an Alan Page football jersey. It doesn't take a court-ordered psychotherapy guy to see what happened here: in "X-Men 3", Ellen played Kitty Pryde, a character from Illinois. And Alan Page finished his Hall of Fame career playing for Chicago, a town located - of all places - in Illinois!

It's really satisfying to be master of your own subconscious like that.


posted at 10:28 AM by Kevin

2.28.2012

Ooh. . ."military leader". . .


posted at 2:54 AM by Kevin

2.16.2012

"The problem is, the events are completely unrealistic."


posted at 12:46 PM by Kevin

1.28.2012

"The Ny Mets Gigantics are my favorite squadron."


posted at 12:26 PM by Kevin

12.15.2011

1962 was an exceptionally ugly year.


posted at 12:54 AM by Kevin

12.02.2011

Yikes: hypnosis via handshake induction.
Those of you who dwell among other humans need to watch out for this shit.


posted at 2:05 PM by Kevin

10.23.2011

The Mayan Elders, The 13 Crystal Skulls, & the Importance of Their Upcoming Ceremonial Pilgrimage Across the USA


posted at 3:30 PM by Kevin

10.06.2011

Self hate?! No no - I never said anything about self hate.


posted at 8:11 PM by Kevin

9.20.2011

"Yet no one denies that toddlers are composed of particles that behave according to deterministic laws."


posted at 1:43 AM by Kevin

9.15.2011

It turns out that the term "wedge salad" is just fancy restaurant talk for "We're too lazy to chop the lettuce into Pokémon shapes".


posted at 9:05 PM by Kevin

9.07.2011

Fukushima linked to Extraterrestrial War on Earth during the 1930’s.

Well, duh.


posted at 8:48 PM by Kevin

8.22.2011

So it rained briefly while I was on Carrier, between Albertson's and the post office, which is good - the drought has really hit that area hard.


posted at 5:03 PM by Kevin

8.14.2011

"However, now is the time the truth be known. Belgium doesn't exist."


posted at 1:08 PM by Kevin

7.28.2011

Lol: the chick on "Project Runway" has my favorite shirt. . .


posted at 10:19 PM by Kevin

7.25.2011

The concert info said that Yes was opening for Styx. However, Styx came out first. They're calling it "The Great Thackerville Mix-up", as far away as Poland. Highly controversial.

"Starship Trooper" sounded as good as it ever has.


posted at 9:10 AM by Kevin

7.13.2011

I *thought* I reckon-ized Brad Holbrook on The Onion's Today Now! show. He used to be an actual news anchor on Tulsa's NBC affiliate KTEW.


posted at 3:03 PM by Kevin

6.30.2011

So they brought back Quisp. It's just like it used to be - roof of my mouth was bleeding and everything :D


posted at 3:11 PM by Kevin

6.22.2011

Green Lantern, Thor, Azrael. . .none of them are a match for Captain Bio


posted at 10:42 PM by Kevin

6.05.2011

How can you go wrong with a site called awkwardfamilyphotos.com?


posted at 2:06 PM by Kevin

5.13.2011

Nod at your beverage after each sip, so people will know how much you're enjoying it.


posted at 2:44 PM by Kevin

5.04.2011

My inner child's gut instinct suggests that the word "Nashville" simply does not belong on the Stanley Cup.
(Of course, it already says "Ducks" on it, so what the hell.)


posted at 9:13 PM by Kevin

4.24.2011

LISTEN - WIZARDS ARE *NOT* PSYCHIC! HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TOLD?!


posted at 1:31 PM by Kevin

4.23.2011

So there's this TV commercial for free credit scores. Turns out this guy had three scores they had to check. . .when they pulled them up, there were these three guys, each representing one of the credit scores. The first two were pretty good looking - tall, strong dudes. But the third one was this gross little bald guy! Total dork. He didn't fit in with the other two at all. He was supposed to be a bad credit score, and he sure looked like it. I was telling the TV "Get that guy outta there! He's terrible!" Fortunately, they replaced him with another tall hunk like the first two. This totally solved the problem, 'cuz that little bastard was ruining everything! He never should have been there to begin with.


posted at 7:03 PM by Kevin

4.17.2011

Stellar plasma phenomena recorded in ancient rock carvings by ancient vandals


posted at 1:35 PM by Kevin

3.24.2011

It's probably my duty to be annoyed that the premise of some new movie called "Hanna" appears to be stolen from a decade-old Batman story which featured a mute Asian chick who had been raised as an assassin becoming the new Batgirl (which, in turn, was practically a rip-off of Azrael's origin saga).


posted at 7:32 PM by Kevin

3.11.2011

Ancient nuclear explosion on Mars


posted at 2:02 PM by Kevin

3.09.2011

Trevor Horn is producing the new Yes album, which will apparently feature one of their best (but rarely heard) songs from 1980's Buggles-infused lineup as its title track. Good news, this.


posted at 10:36 PM by Kevin

3.08.2011

FACT*: Devo is doing the Lord's work


(* gut feeling)


posted at 8:36 PM by Kevin

3.07.2011

Is there no remedy for juggler's regret?


posted at 10:10 AM by Kevin

2.28.2011

(Also, Earthquake Rose™.)


posted at 4:48 PM by Kevin

Everyone deserves their very own Soviet dog head-controlled robot.


posted at 2:41 PM by Kevin

2.12.2011

Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber


posted at 11:42 PM by Kevin

2.10.2011

There's something warm & fuzzy about being called "Spawn of Satan" by an old-timey fire and brimstone preacher - as he's busy putting words in your mouth, no less.


posted at 7:32 PM by Kevin

1.31.2011

So they're playing the World Series Super Bowl just down the street.
You look out the window, and it's hookers and media far as the eye can see.


posted at 2:23 PM by Kevin

1.27.2011

"Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?"


posted at 2:01 AM by Kevin

1.26.2011

How the hell do they measure earthquakes with a lie detector?!


posted at 10:17 PM by Kevin

1.07.2011

My prediction for 2011 is the rise of some band called Substitute Hogwash Trio as the next big thing™.
I got me a gut feeling down in m' shin bones.


posted at 2:45 PM by Kevin

12.12.2010

The new Elder Scrolls sequel was just announced. Looks like a Nords Vs. Dragons scenario. BOOSH.


posted at 12:35 PM by Kevin

11.28.2010

Apparently, people who just sneezed don't like it when you holler "QUIT IT" instead of saying "Bless You".


posted at 9:42 PM by Kevin

11.23.2010

A blogger's account of avoiding molestation by TSA agents.


posted at 1:51 AM by Kevin

11.15.2010

So, they fired Jim Zorn why?


posted at 8:17 PM by Kevin

11.08.2010

Mankind may not survive unless we stop and address the ancient questions facing us.


posted at 3:01 AM by Kevin

11.05.2010



posted at 10:45 PM by Kevin

10.30.2010

So they're playing the Super Bowl World Series just down the street.
You look out the window, and it's hookers and media far as the eye can see.


posted at 1:21 AM by Kevin

10.27.2010

So I've only got 4 days left to find a super-absorbant gorilla costume.


posted at 1:24 PM by Kevin

10.26.2010

PlayMobil Airport Security Check Point


posted at 3:23 PM by Kevin

10.25.2010

<CLIK CLAK>

VOTE, GOTDAMMIT!


posted at 6:05 PM by Kevin

10.18.2010

Homer Simpson: A True Catholic?


posted at 2:39 PM by Kevin

10.09.2010

Troy Soren: Theologist


posted at 7:46 PM by Kevin

10.05.2010

So, the judge rules in favor of the Cub Scouts, and my own lawyer thinks it's funny.
Bastards. Both of 'em.


posted at 2:56 PM by Kevin

10.01.2010

Some folks simply aren't happy unless they're voicing bitter disdain for everything and everyone ;)


posted at 4:20 PM by Kevin

9.28.2010

If there were a huge robot named Gargantron, and you were terrified of him, don't be - he hasn't even been programmed yet!


posted at 2:00 AM by Kevin

9.24.2010

"I have read your website and it is obviously that your a foggot."


posted at 6:59 PM by Kevin

A killer-sciency blog about An Ongoing Study of the Very Near Future.


posted at 1:31 AM by Kevin

9.17.2010

What does it mean when you gotta read half a dozen reviews of the new Venture Brothers episode to find one that does so suitably, but still has a miniscule grammatical error?


posted at 11:18 PM by Kevin

9.14.2010

"Boys love to launch things"

Well. . .yeah.


posted at 3:19 PM by Kevin

9.05.2010

The guy across the street has a parrot that you can hear whenever their garage door is open. I like to assume the guy's wife hates it and the kids aren't allowed to go near it because he loves it so much and that one day he'll have to choose between his pet and his family. And I just wanna go over there and demand to know "HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?!"


posted at 5:45 PM by Kevin

8.29.2010

I totally forgot that this guy is my hero!


posted at 1:33 AM by Kevin

8.27.2010

Life is so good lately that I've completely abandoned the idea of faking my own death and living out my days hidden in plain sight under a white sheet.


posted at 6:31 AM by Kevin

8.20.2010

If you're bowling, and I tell you to "Be the ball", what's so hard about that? Don't you want to be a winner?


posted at 11:07 PM by Kevin

8.14.2010

Government-sponsored occult mind control experiments in the early days of Rock and Roll.


posted at 3:19 AM by Kevin

8.13.2010

HERE'S A PRETTY GOOD ONE


posted at 4:43 AM by Kevin

7.25.2010

Apparently, there aren't a whole lot of females who play first-person shooters online, considering I hear my offspring a couple times a day explaining to her teammates "Uh, yes, I am actually a girl."


posted at 11:22 PM by Kevin

7.23.2010

More of the same, from you-know-where.


posted at 4:21 PM by Kevin

7.10.2010

Nothing beats firing twin pistols while diving for cover in slow motion. Except maybe explosions. And sandwiches.


posted at 3:09 PM by Kevin

7.09.2010

Lost cat-type stuff.


posted at 12:40 AM by Kevin

7.07.2010

When you try explaining to christians that most of our English bible translations are riddled with inaccuracies when compared to the original Hebrew & Greek texts, and that consequently they're likely supporting leavened premises which God never had in mind, 44% of the time they'll go into a does-not-compute loop, and then default into telling-you-how-to-be-saved mode.


posted at 10:14 PM by Kevin

6.27.2010

IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THAT EVERY TIME I PASS A MIRROR, I STOP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GIVE MYSELF A THUMBS UP. THAT'S THE KIND OF CONFIDENCE THAT NOBODY CAN AFFORD.


posted at 11:17 PM by Kevin

6.26.2010

England's newest crop glyph, consisting of, by one guy's count, over 150 circles.


posted at 8:33 AM by Kevin

6.24.2010

Does this mean I'm on the map now?
(Who the hell submitted this?)


posted at 3:43 PM by Kevin

6.21.2010

Remember that one house that was surrounded by cops a couple weeks ago? It's for sale now.


posted at 5:44 PM by Kevin

6.17.2010

When birds go bad.


posted at 3:57 PM by Kevin

6.10.2010

I ain't drinkin' that. . .bish blowed up Melrose.


posted at 2:18 PM by Kevin

6.06.2010

If you're going to be attending Daughter's birthday, dress like you would for either a spelling bee or a court-martial.


posted at 2:05 AM by Kevin

5.24.2010

Since when do laboratory animals pump their own gas?


posted at 5:43 PM by Kevin

5.08.2010

When a nephew who works at Starbuck's comes to stay with you, don't forget to inform him how you prefer your coffee. In my case, I like it presented by Her Majesty's harlequins on a shimmering mink pelt.


posted at 11:28 PM by Kevin

5.05.2010

Star Trek's 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures


posted at 3:44 AM by Kevin

4.29.2010

Anyone see the Canadiens beat Ovechkin's league-champion Capitals? They took his Irish butt downtown.


posted at 2:22 PM by Kevin

4.26.2010

Sports are great, but it'd be so much better if the referees were mimes.


posted at 8:49 PM by Kevin

4.19.2010

Here's hoping "Iron Man 2" features his infamous struggle with alcoholism.

Less action, more intervention!


posted at 9:34 PM by Kevin

Kung Fu Massacre: a "film" my friend and his buddies made in his yard, in something like 1983.
Has it aged well, or what?


posted at 12:48 AM by Kevin

4.13.2010

Every time I flip past Dancing Up A Storm, I can't help but wonder to myself: "When will we find a cure?"


posted at 4:14 PM by Kevin

4.12.2010

Powerful, powerful testimony here from the Prince of Fresh Air.

(Sixth best thing ever.)


posted at 3:39 PM by Kevin

4.07.2010

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of record covers from the golden age of LPs: Gospel edition


posted at 5:23 PM by Kevin

4.05.2010

So I was in the grocery store and picked up Sunny D Smooth, but I couldn't find Sunny D Smoothe (now in verb form).


posted at 4:01 PM by Kevin

3.26.2010

Claim: There are Nazis on the Moon


posted at 8:57 PM by Kevin

3.25.2010

If you had told George Halas 60 years ago that, someday, halfbacks would typically line up fully back, and fullbacks would be almost obsolete, and that much of the time, quarterbacks were calling signals from more than one-fourth of the way back, he might have turned over in his grave and called you some kind of liar.

True story.


posted at 1:25 AM by Kevin

3.19.2010

SO THOSE OLD PALMOLIVE COMMERCIALS ARE JUST A BIG JOKE TO YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?!


posted at 6:42 PM by Kevin

3.09.2010

So they're remaking "Tron".
I wonder whether they're still using Cooper SK-series hockey helmets as futuristic headgear.


posted at 4:10 PM by Kevin

3.06.2010

TO DO LIST:

1. wash car

2. act natural


posted at 2:31 PM by Kevin

3.05.2010

Chandelier of the Day


posted at 3:38 PM by Kevin

3.02.2010

When someone asks "What would you do if you had Superman's powers?" no one ever says "Walk around with my eyes shut, still able to see."


posted at 3:24 PM by Kevin

3.01.2010

I try all the time to be less like Fonzie, but it's just not that easy.


posted at 4:18 AM by Kevin

2.28.2010

Who else has had enough of Alyssa Milano's mixed signals?


posted at 6:56 PM by Kevin

2.25.2010

You know, I really won over those tech support guys that one time I brought Cap'n Crunch to the company potluck.


posted at 10:51 AM by Kevin

2.24.2010

Yes much good tonight. They play "Machine Messiah" and "Astral Traveller" and "Heart of the Sunrise". The replacement singer was quite solid.
Somehow, though, I ended up in the bloated-drunken-extroverted-probably-corporate-ass-kissing-schmucks-talking-and-laughing-all-during-the-show section. Kinda surprised I didn't see my old boss.


posted at 12:46 AM by Kevin

2.21.2010

1995: Newsweek scoffs at the internet. . ."Baloney. Do our computer pundits lack all common sense? The truth in no online database will replace your daily newspaper, no CD-ROM can take the place of a competent teacher and no computer network will change the way government works."


posted at 8:01 PM by Kevin

2.15.2010

Yeah, this one's a keeper.


posted at 3:51 PM by Kevin

2.06.2010

Quote of Week:

"I've been effecting world events for years, I suppose these are all 'delusions' too."


posted at 7:40 PM by Kevin

2.03.2010

HaloScan, my longtime interactive e-comment synergist, is going away, to be replaced by Echo, who apparently wants $12 a year from me (which comes out to something like $4.50 per comment). Since fuck that, I'm-a export my existing 136 comments and archive them in a high-density ion stasis chamber for future re-implementation at my convenience.


posted at 1:23 AM by Kevin

2.01.2010

There just may be some hope for this country after all!


posted at 4:40 PM by Kevin

1.29.2010

The internet is all about salvaging some of the bright spots from one's youth.


posted at 1:24 AM by Kevin

1.20.2010

I totally bet you that I could be ranked pretty high on some kind of list or whatever.


posted at 2:43 AM by Kevin

1.16.2010

"Are You a Christian Supremacist?"


posted at 7:36 PM by Kevin

1.11.2010

You can't tell from this blog, but when speaking, I roll my 'R's like there's no tomorrow.


posted at 5:28 PM by Kevin

1.02.2010

Lord, how I miss these guys.
I thought we had something special. I thought we'd grow old together.

I didn't think they'd care that I'm part injun.

But I was wrong

Dead wrong.


posted at 1:40 AM by Kevin

12.27.2009

Jade Empire! And thus begins the saga of Fug Li Ho. . .


posted at 4:40 PM by Kevin

12.25.2009

I shot my snowman. I couldn't bear to see him just wasting away like that.


posted at 4:14 PM by Kevin

Obscure fact: when the clock on the oven says "375", it doesn't mean you overslept - it means someone is cooking.


posted at 11:08 AM by Kevin

12.20.2009

So, in Call Of Duty 2, all your squad-mates have the typical commando nicknames like "Jayhawk" and "Worm" and "Ghost". . .I just think there should be some good alternative-lifestyle ones, like "Hunk" or "Hotstuff" or even "Buns".

(I know. Too much Venture Brothers. It happens.)


posted at 1:46 AM by Kevin

12.19.2009

"Avatar: Dances With Ewoks"
starring Mark Wahlberg and Brendan Fraser
My review. . .

THIS MOVIE GLAMORIZES HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE CORPORATE GREED AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER!

Seriously, it didn't suck, but there's a lot of predictable cheese to navigate. I was actually quite bored at times, even if it did look like a Yes album come to life.


posted at 4:35 PM by Kevin

12.17.2009

* Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity, but make sure to phrase it in such a way that he doesn't think it's him you're interested in.


posted at 10:08 PM by Kevin

12.08.2009

It's not often you find such an apt video example of the term "hard-core".

That is so seriously bad-ass, the way that wet towel totally supported that coffee cup, like it wasn't even trying.


posted at 7:35 PM by Kevin

12.07.2009

Fingers crossed that Thursday morning will see the headline "Tellarite Wins Top Chef". . .


posted at 9:17 PM by Kevin

12.06.2009

Question: if I axe somebody, "HOLY CRAP - WHERE'D YOU GET TACO BUENO FROM?!" and they respond with "Mars", do I look like I have the face of a guy whose face deserves an answer like that, right to his face?


posted at 4:30 PM by Kevin

12.01.2009

The definitive progressive rock tree.


posted at 6:10 PM by Kevin

11.30.2009

One thing I kind of miss about my kid not being little anymore is how on those rare occasions when she'd misbehave, I'd warn her that she better settle down or she'd end up in trouble, and I'd gravely add the comment "And that is an idle threat."


posted at 4:35 PM by Kevin

11.28.2009

New song is presentable and now uploaded:
Onset, part 2 of a thing.

I've always feared cryptomnesia, but more so since I've learned that it has a name ("cryptomnesia"). Prolly not an issue here, although who knows. Meh.


posted at 9:20 PM by Kevin

11.26.2009

What a thanksgiving! This was one for the scrapbooks. . .
Ol' Mother Nature had thrown us one curveball we didn't expect, as the snowstorm picked up and made for trouble clean across the state. So we set out extra early - ain't no way we were going to miss Grandma's famous pumpkin gravy! But the weather caught up to us, and we got stuck in a rut just outside the county line. I got my shovel and started digging; it was the only choice we had. I dug my little heart out, but didn't seem to be gettin' no where, til I heard a voice. . .strong as the mountain, and yet soft as the summer hay. . .
"Show's over, boys!"
Holy cow - that's what Grandma used to say whenever she caught us skinny dipping in the molasses! It was Grandma! There she stood, trowel in one hand and gravy boat in t'other. . .She had spied us from the hillside, and come down to help! She laughed that magical laugh of hers, and that golden twinkle in her eye told me it was all gonna be alright. So, together, me and Grandma dug and dug, but we didn't seem to be getting nowhere. So finally, we sat down, and we had that gravy right there by the roadside, all 9 of us. Who woulda pictured such a sight! Then right before dark, a lone convoy come by and gave us a lift back to the base - we tiptoed in just in time to get the very last slice of ol' fashioned biscuit pie, and catch a peek at the stripper the sarge had hired. Well, the kids slept like logs that night, and as I tossed another fiddle on the fire, I lit up my pipe and leaned back and remembered to gave thanks for Grandma and all she'd done to make this a Thanksgiving to remember about.


posted at 10:50 AM by Kevin

11.23.2009

Just how long are we going to continue entertaining Hank Williams Jr's pact with Satan?


posted at 7:58 PM by Kevin

11.17.2009

Thi$ could be it, guys. . .

<< TEEN POP/R&B SONGS needed by a member of a hugely successful boy band, who is managing a Female Teen Girl Group. We are told their style is very similar to The Cheetah Girls meets Spice Girls with a Pop/R&B sound. Songs should showcase this group's amazing vocal talent. All tempos are welcome but mid to up tempos with catchy hooks and infectious melodies are preferred. Please submit two to three songs online or per CD, include lyrics/photo/bio. All submissions will be screened and critiqued by TAXI and must be received no later than Wednesday, December 2, 2009. >>

I need to roll up my sleeves and polish up "Test Tube Baby" for them, pronto. Got a good, lucky feeling about this one.

(View the rest of this week's TAXI listings here.)


posted at 3:49 PM by Kevin

11.14.2009

Ants.

In the @#$% fucking driveway.

It's clear I must slay the queen; otherwise I shall be twice a fortnight in a fool's crusade to fell her throne.

Damn such asperity as this.


posted at 5:15 PM by Kevin

11.12.2009

Move over, Family Circus: our Cartoon of the Day


posted at 4:14 PM by Kevin

11.06.2009

In an attempt to be decent, I've resisted posting this for nearly 4 months, but some guys are simply begging to be heard. . .


posted at 9:23 PM by Kevin

11.03.2009

Always carry cats pointed away from you.


posted at 11:36 PM by Kevin

"Gosh", said Suzy. "How did you know it was the rancher all along?"
"Simple, Suzy", thundered Giant Boy Detective, his freakishly loud voice echoing off the walls of the old mine. "Cow patties don't sparkle - that was gold dust on his boots!"


posted at 4:20 PM by Kevin

11.02.2009

That Dr. Phil is a piece of work. Would it kill him to mesmerize somebuddy once in a while?! Hell, I'm the one paying his damn salary - I should get a vote.


posted at 4:10 PM by Kevin

10.28.2009

"Presenting When You Marry, a 1962 textbook", complete with methodological courtship graphs and warnings about varying colors of offspring.

Holy shit.


posted at 3:02 PM by Kevin

10.21.2009

Best flag ever.


posted at 2:19 PM by Kevin

10.16.2009

Some things are simply timeless, as though they always Were and ever Will Be.


posted at 3:56 PM by Kevin

10.14.2009

Here's how I do things:

1) Always wash your hands first

2) Make sure there's no broken glass lying around

3) Have fun with it!

Also, reading.
And no drugs, except if you have them and it's OK.


posted at 12:21 AM by Kevin

10.07.2009

Spock ride be some kinda smoove.


posted at 3:11 PM by Kevin

10.02.2009

Heh - I just called the bitch on TV a bitch. I said "Don't do it, Bitch!"

You missed it.


posted at 11:12 PM by Kevin

9.25.2009

It seems there's a good bit of controversy over my new show "Ape Talk". Yes, it's for apes, but we don't talk about apes. That would be rude.


posted at 11:15 PM by Kevin

9.24.2009

Certainly Chris Berman understands that he could lead a full, happy life without a larynx. . .?


posted at 10:29 PM by Kevin

9.23.2009

Store launches underpants for left-handed men.

Well, it's about goddamned time.


posted at 3:00 PM by Kevin

9.16.2009

Not many people are aware that "Video are killing in spite of the fact that radio star" was the first video shown on the MTV.


posted at 9:53 PM by Kevin

9.12.2009

If we learned anything from the old cartoons, it's that Alice the Goon loves Popeye. She would say "I love Popeye" over and over in that nasal, unintelligible goon-speak of hers, sounding not unlike the unseen adults on Charlie Brown shows.

Studies have shown that one of the healthiest things you can be doing is to repeat "I love Popeye, I love Popeye" as often as possible, imitating not the voice of Alice the Goon, but the reliable, objective timbre of your favorite news anchor. You can do this while relaxing at home, getting in your reps at the gym, or during brief pauses in company meetings when no one else is speaking.


posted at 8:10 PM by Kevin

9.11.2009

Boy, it stings to find out that I'm bitter against God =(
But thank heavens that good Christian witness was kind enough to open my eyes =D
If only I had a wholesome Chick tract to tell me what I should do =\


posted at 2:20 PM by Kevin

9.08.2009

Kick my ass the day my own photo takes up half my homepage.


posted at 11:34 AM by Kevin

9.02.2009

Remember in "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" how at the end, the apes revolted and took over? If I had been in charge of some of those apes, that never would have happened. I'd have been tough, but fair.


posted at 4:03 AM by Kevin

8.31.2009

I'm sure we've all heard this a few dozen times, haven't we?


posted at 3:58 PM by Kevin

8.29.2009

"Finally, all the fictional bands and singers from TV and movies listed in one convenient, scarily obsessive place."


posted at 11:27 PM by Kevin

8.26.2009

It's awful seeing guys conducting their disgusting "fantasy football" draft in a public place, as if all those NFL players are just pieces of meat to be haggled over.

Also, I admire and respect how restaurant men's rooms often have a newspaper posted above the urinals. Except it's always the front page - never the want ads.


posted at 8:47 PM by Kevin

8.23.2009

I hope I don't forget to be absolutely enchanting.


posted at 10:19 PM by Kevin

8.20.2009

As recently as a hundred years ago, people were clamoring for a yogurt that would regulate their bowels, yet their earnest hopes went unrealized. Today, you and I are truly, truly blessed to live in such a golden age as this.


posted at 1:40 PM by Kevin

8.16.2009

It's time for another trip through the Hall Of Douchebags.


posted at 12:15 AM by Kevin

8.15.2009

It really works. My hiccups went away once I got scared they'd never leave.


posted at 5:58 PM by Kevin

8.11.2009

Tonight's Dale Gribble Special:

The PROMIS Of DAYLIGHT And The ORACLE 8i

"To most Americans, the financial malaise gripping this country is completely unrelated to the world's 'Pandemic Flu' ­ but those who feel this way are simply naïve and un-informed. The truth is, the world's 'Power Elite' have engineered both conditions as part of their computer-driven model for their ultimate centralization of power. Make no mistake, nothing concerning the economic meltdown and the lab-created flu pandemic is 'natural' ­ it is completely and totally happening by DESIGN."


posted at 3:15 AM by Kevin

8.08.2009

"No, daughter - Malachi 4. Not Malachor V."


posted at 11:18 PM by Kevin

8.06.2009

Pics and videos taken with infra-red surveillance gear by a crop circle enthusiast in Wiltshire County last month.


posted at 4:59 PM by Kevin

When someone claims "PRINCE WILLIAMS IS THE ANTI-CHRIST", you can bet the farm that they know what they're talking about. Case Closed.


posted at 3:14 PM by Kevin

8.05.2009

How many internet forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1- to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14- to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7- to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1- to move it to the Lighting section
2- to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7- to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5- to flame the spell checkers
3- to correct spelling/grammar flames
6- to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2- industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15- know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19- to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11- to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36- to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7- to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4- to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3- to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13- to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5- to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4- to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13- to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
17 - to say they have the best brand lightbulb and accuse the rest of being fanboys
1- forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


posted at 1:45 PM by Kevin

7.31.2009

Last night I dreamed that the old Monty Python feature "Storage Jars" was actually about storage batteries. It was slightly more informative, though less amusing.


posted at 1:39 AM by Kevin

7.29.2009

Body Language Lesson #16b: You can always tell when a man is dismayed - look for him to try scratching his back with his pipe.
(Mr. Presley's wardrobe courtesy of the My Three Sons collection.)


posted at 2:56 PM by Kevin

7.25.2009

Man those wiki moderators can be pretty darned uptight.


posted at 2:29 AM by Kevin

7.24.2009

If you see me on the 8pm news, it's because someone who looks like me may or may not have illegitimately accompanied my nephew's girlfriend into an R-rated movie without staying to view it with them. (According to the employee at the box office, said movie was entitled "The Orphanage".)
I've got to lay low, so this may be my last post for a while.


posted at 10:08 PM by Kevin

7.18.2009

I'm waiting for them to come out with a friends network for alcoholics, called Shitfacebook.


posted at 5:54 PM by Kevin

Only coupler more days 'til Teenage Nephews ship in from up yonder. Then we can clean up this dang town proper!


posted at 5:37 PM by Kevin

7.10.2009

Wow - I might would've actually voted, had I been aware that one of the candidates had two left hands.


posted at 3:17 PM by Kevin

7.08.2009

Remember: when someone says "You're welcome", always say "Thank You".


posted at 6:43 PM by Kevin

7.07.2009

Here's the rundown on the revamped state of things in Gotham City resulting from last year's Batman R.I.P. story.


posted at 2:51 PM by Kevin

6.29.2009

Once back in 1970, DC Comics featured a fascinating reader survey, so they'd "know who you are and what you think is groovy".


posted at 8:17 PM by Kevin

6.26.2009

A new crop glyph showed up last weekend at England's infamous Milk Hill site.


posted at 1:08 AM by Kevin

6.25.2009

You can't beat this with a stick:

<< MuadDib, i say this with sincerity and do not intend to sound mean or rude, but perhaps you need to study the bible more. sit down, read the scriptures, cry out to god and commune with the divine in seclusion and solitude. it seems you are in dire need of completing a thorough and substantial spiritual endeavor with god and his holy scriptures >>

It's uncanny, because I was born again just yesterday and have never, ever done any of those things =D


posted at 2:25 PM by Kevin

6.23.2009

NASCAR Bombing of the Moon may create conflict with ET's, UFO's.

Jebus H, what is it with rednecks and explosions?!


posted at 3:13 PM by Kevin

6.20.2009

My hero.


posted at 11:21 PM by Kevin

6.15.2009

"The original Captain America is finally coming back."

I, for one, am shocked. Shocked and stunned.


posted at 4:20 PM by Kevin

6.14.2009

You know how when you're at Wal-Mart and you notice yourself on the TV monitor, so you decide to act out a clever idea for a sitcom, in which you'll say "Oh no you don't!" and your kid is supposed to fall into water, but you can't get her to play along? Any suggestions?


posted at 12:22 AM by Kevin

6.04.2009

Why there's different rules for some people, I do not know. On the one hand, you have a diligent, dedicated company manager, on call essentially 24/7, who once in a while fails to be sterling-goddamn-perfect on the phone with some of the lower level employees, mostly due to the high pressure and high volume of her workload, combined with the inefficiency of said employees upon whom she relies for important data.
And yet these same people, whom she's always having to chase down for time-sensitive reports, can whine to the owner that the manager was "short" with them on the phone, and the owner is suddenly in the manager's face demanding better teamwork and positive communication skills from her. Nevermind that the owner, too, has been complaining about the same inept peons for weeks and months yet for some reason refuses to clean house and hire someone reliable.

Beats me. Sometimes you just can't win. If you're good, you need to be *better*. But if you're a useless baby, you get naptime and a lolipop and a free paycheck for showing up.


posted at 1:43 AM by Kevin

6.02.2009

Microsoft Word dares to tell me that "indefinity" isn't a word, but "indefiniteness" is. That sucks. I'm going with indefinity.


posted at 4:27 AM by Kevin

6.01.2009

Who-a dinnit ever love Father Guido Sarducci?


posted at 8:20 PM by Kevin

5.24.2009

From News of the Weird:

"John Angeline was charged with fatally running over gas station attendant Haeng Soon Yang in Mossy Rock, Wash., in April after she tried to stop him from leaving without paying for $34 in fuel. Angeline, captured nearby, explained to police that he had run over the woman because she looked like she was about to 'cast a spell' on him. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 4-7-09]"


posted at 3:18 PM by Kevin

5.20.2009

Interesting article here discusses the Large Hadron Collider at Cern in light of ancient religious premises. Includes a mayan drawing of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl emerging from an 8-spoked symbol which may or may not look like the LHC.


posted at 2:44 AM by Kevin

5.16.2009

It's kind of tempting to try and get back into shape to play hockey again, just so I can shout "OW!" every time I make a save.


posted at 9:39 PM by Kevin

5.13.2009

disturbingauctions.com


posted at 2:59 PM by Kevin

5.07.2009

Physicists Prove That Vampires Could Not Exist.

Shyeah, right. These eggheads need to stick to their nucular radiation and magnets and leave proving-stuff-about-vampires to the rest of us.


posted at 3:15 PM by Kevin

5.04.2009

I'm gonna be filthy vile rich when I create a new line of action figures called Boyfriends of the Old West. Each cowbeau has a spring-loaded arm triggered by a button on his back for realistic quick-draw action. Come evening, replace the gun in his hand with flowers.


posted at 12:48 PM by Kevin

4.30.2009

American journalists trained to ignore paranormal

(Includes a delightful account of "a very drunk President and Mrs. Ford".)


posted at 4:29 PM by Kevin

4.29.2009

The 5 Most Underrated Simpsons Characters

It's good to find others who hold such appreciation for that one Arnie Pye comeback.


posted at 8:37 PM by Kevin

4.26.2009

Dear diary,
I sometimes end up with church people on the internet calling me an "asshole" without my even trying. You would hope that people who get outraged over some nobody preaching mildly against the grain would notice that their responses are so very incongruent with their religious claims, to the point that it might open their eyes. Perhaps not.
Anyway, your lunch is ready.


posted at 10:37 PM by Kevin

It's probably still a good idea to tell mad scientists they'll never get away with it even if deep down inside you kind of suspect they will.


posted at 6:36 PM by Kevin

4.22.2009

Wade Phillips Excited About Upcoming NFL Giraffe


posted at 1:24 PM by Kevin

4.08.2009

Jacuzzis aren't as weird as they sound. It's just a fancy word for "walk-in toilet".


posted at 3:28 PM by Kevin

4.07.2009

Is it me, or has Klimpy's Porkloaf Platter gotten smaller?


posted at 12:46 AM by Kevin

4.05.2009

Nothing whets the imagination like Perry Mason comics translated into German.


posted at 4:45 AM by Kevin

3.31.2009

Terrell Owens Career Highlights


posted at 12:21 PM by Kevin

3.29.2009

Part 2 features multiple disgusting displays of fondness (so be sure to crank the volume). I'll go ahead and spoil the ending for you: the daughter casts a spell by naming every food in the house, which summons the voice of her mother as a disembodied astral construct.


posted at 10:27 AM by Kevin

For all my various homegirls. . .
Look for your mom to have this special talk with you when you turn 30 like the daughter in the film.


posted at 2:10 AM by Kevin

3.28.2009

Lol - I forgot about this one. . .

Quote of the week from back in January:

"Asshole you know nothing of Yeshua."

(Directed at me regarding a point I was making about our need to abandon churchy, self-righteous bullshit and be real.)


posted at 2:59 AM by Kevin

3.27.2009

"Please allow me to share with you how 'The Secret' changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. . ."

Best book review ever.


posted at 7:49 PM by Kevin

3.26.2009

I have no initial reason not to feel somewhat optimistic about this ambitious new Three Stooges project.


posted at 1:48 AM by Kevin

3.24.2009

Beware The Phantom!


posted at 4:38 PM by Kevin

3.21.2009

Only *deluxe* tools like me are lame enough to wait in line for 25 minutes with their kid at midnight to buy some kind of shiny round thing.


posted at 12:57 AM by Kevin

3.17.2009

Based on this preview art, I can only assume the new X-Men story arc features Gary Busey taking over as Wolverine.


posted at 11:57 AM by Kevin

3.16.2009

Who can blame Jay Cutler for wanting to be traded to another team? They hurt his feelings when he was mentioned as trade-bait during the past few weeks, because he didn't want to be traded. So now he does, and I'm totally in his corner on this. I don't think those guys in Denver's front office know what they're doing. . .weren't they paying attention when Cutler claimed he has the strongest arm in the league?!
Sometimes a 25-year-old just has to roll up his sleeves and whine for anyone to take him serious. God bless you, Jay - you're one of the good ones.


posted at 1:03 PM by Kevin

3.15.2009

Controversial article about the controversy surrounding the alleged use of the name of Jesus Christ to terminate alleged alien abduction episodes.

(Now with 20% more Controversy*)

*allegedly


posted at 2:04 PM by Kevin

3.14.2009

For two months now, I've had Homeboy's copy of Watchmen sitting on my shelf pleading with me to read it before seeing the movie. And I'm a-gonna. I swear.


posted at 11:08 AM by Kevin

3.11.2009

Quote of the day. . .

"Moon was full last night"

"Well, in the USA it was full, but I'm in Europe."


posted at 7:32 PM by Kevin

This is about what it boils down to, but mainstream church-bots are dead-set on defending their warped, poisoned version of the Father at all cost (because examining apparent contradictions is a serious no-no).


posted at 6:08 PM by Kevin

3.08.2009

"Illinois State Police say the pastor gunned down at a church in a St. Louis suburb used a Bible to deflect the first of four rounds fired during his Sunday sermon."

That's pretty amazing - most people just use it to deflect honest questions or logic.


posted at 5:12 PM by Kevin

3.07.2009

Life is too short to be seeing Brendan Fraser movies.


posted at 9:30 PM by Kevin

3.03.2009

Also, don't bother turning their orange plasma header graphic 90° counterclockwise, because it doesn't look anything like the torso of a woman.


posted at 5:46 PM by Kevin

I can't believe they'd give away a quote this valuable for free!


posted at 3:57 PM by Kevin

Yeah. Wow.


posted at 3:33 PM by Kevin

Some people are so fascinating, you simply cannot look away.


posted at 12:41 PM by Kevin

2.28.2009

You know you're on the cutting edge when they're only just now advertising the butter you've always liked.


posted at 4:31 PM by Kevin

2.26.2009

I think I'm gonna market Practice Yahtzee. It'll be just like regular Yahtzee, except it doesn't count.


posted at 5:57 PM by Kevin

2.25.2009

New joke: The manager of a high-volume business in a high-stress industry set up her Outlook email preferences to display a light blue background on her company emails. This was four years ago. So today, the pompous, high-maintenance company owner angrily calls her and demands that she change that background to white, saying "You are wasting all my blue ink!"

That one definitely belongs on a Bazooka Joe wrapper.


posted at 5:14 PM by Kevin

2.24.2009

It's sad how much dust the TV collects just sitting there. It's been forever since we took it outside and played catch with it.


posted at 9:59 PM by Kevin

2.23.2009

Deep within man's primal instincts lies the impulse to calculate how much money he's saved by going a year without a haircut. Those visits to one's grooming technician every 5 weeks can add up, but a complication arises when you realize there are other factors to be considered, such as an increase in shampoo consumption. So forget it.


posted at 1:46 PM by Kevin

2.18.2009

I stumbled across this old transcription of a bible study by Vernon "David Koresh" Howell. Quite interesting - it's pretty obvious where he's going by the end of the script, alluding to his belief that he himself personally is named in scripture as God's ultimate prophet (which he conveniently changed his own name to. What are the odds?)

The bit where they're trying to guess how far it is to Israel is somehow hysterical.


[Keywords: HFS, delusional sickoid]


posted at 2:30 AM by Kevin

2.17.2009

Not many music videos are labeled as The Best Music Video Ever Made, but this one may actually be deserving.


posted at 8:07 PM by Kevin

2.15.2009

Nobody ever shoots me or stabs me :(


posted at 10:18 PM by Kevin

2.13.2009

If there was a foreign guy on your oil rig named Quam, and you worked on an oil rig, you should probably try to be a little nicer to him than that burly guy Dan is. Dan isn't even the foreman - he's just a big insecure jerk. Who gives a damn what his girlfriend looks like.


posted at 9:51 PM by Kevin

2.11.2009

Since when are the Cub Scouts allowed to file a counter-suit?! I didn't expect it to get this ugly.


posted at 12:12 PM by Kevin

2.10.2009

Texas' favorite English teacher remains in Poland.
His blog entries are the best.


posted at 1:00 PM by Kevin

2.02.2009

Quite a Super Bowl, no? And boy, did I eat! Is there *anything* that goes better with football than rye toast-points and unflavored broth?


posted at 11:08 AM by Kevin

1.31.2009

"It took just two to three hours for timid grasshoppers in a lab to morph into gregarious locusts after they were injected with serotonin."

So that's their game: SSRI's for bugs. I've been a mere test subject all this time. Sons of bitches.


posted at 3:23 PM by Kevin

1.29.2009

UK doctor admits 'cello scrotum' hoax.

I knew it! Because there's no such thing as a "scrotum"!


posted at 3:27 PM by Kevin

1.25.2009

If there was a movie called "Fangs of the Mummy II", you think it would have the same guy who starred in the first one? They could have re-did his contract, or maybe he moved on to a different project. It happens.


posted at 3:28 PM by Kevin

1.19.2009

I'm pretty certain that Steve Martin is being blackmailed.


posted at 4:30 AM by Kevin

1.10.2009

So when my life partner took me to some bistro called the Texas Land and Cattle Steakhouse, I didn't know exactly what kind of decor to expect. . .maybe a lot of pastels, or plaid? Definitely not more steer horns and branding irons than I ever knew existed! Well, they can just take their little Texas theme and walk it straight back to wherever they came from.


posted at 8:58 PM by Kevin

I thought the football only had to break the plane of the 8 yard-line. . .?!


posted at 4:54 PM by Kevin

12.29.2008

See? It's all good.


posted at 6:38 PM by Kevin

How It Works .... The Computer is exemplary of my greatest literary ambitions.


posted at 11:11 AM by Kevin

12.27.2008

They's stupid down over at the Kroger's. They got pistachios on the shelf with a label says "$2.99", but they been ringin' up at "2 for $3". Plus, there's a freaking coupon on 'em.
Buncha MO-rons. Yeah, I'll take their snacks for practically free.


posted at 10:50 PM by Kevin

12.23.2008

Poor Casper. . .no matter what he tries, he's always intangible.


posted at 10:09 PM by Kevin

12.19.2008

This guy just called me a "delusional fuck tard" over something sarcastic I said (about someone else) which he took serious.

If the sting doesn't go away soon, I'm gonna have to make a collage of myself just to feel better.


posted at 3:00 PM by Kevin

12.14.2008

So my kid's making a sandwich, and I tell her "Mustard is a colloid", and she doesn't seem to care!
WTF?!


posted at 1:59 PM by Kevin

If you go to the movies to see Doubt, and they show the trailer for Revolutionary Road, be sure at some point to exclaim really loudly about the amazing quality of CGI these days.


posted at 3:17 AM by Kevin

12.12.2008

One subject they don't preach on enough is that Jesus ate Honeycomb (Luke 24). . .

"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and I want a BIG cereal!"


posted at 3:48 PM by Kevin

12.11.2008

Jerry Jones Probably Thinking About Signing Michael Vick.


posted at 2:17 PM by Kevin

12.09.2008

Making an F-16 from a cereal box, some Scotch tape, and a penny


posted at 12:15 AM by Kevin

12.08.2008

They say I'm supposed to get snow tomorrow, but right now, I have about 70°.
They may think they know me, but they don't.


posted at 5:34 PM by Kevin

12.07.2008

No matter what your favorite show is, the best episode is always that one where McKenzie's partner gets killed 2 days before his retirement, sparking a vendetta that leads to all-out war in the streets.


posted at 9:30 AM by Kevin

11.24.2008

Vacation is the thing. They have TV here, and we watched the Dolphins game in Spanish, and a Disney movie ("Henry Potter and the Fist of Mylanta", I think).

Also, I never would have guessed that the locals' favorite saying is "Sir, this is NOT a nude beach!"


posted at 9:08 PM by Kevin

11.21.2008

Anybody like Goth/Industrial?



posted at 2:29 AM by Kevin

11.14.2008

If we American drivers would just hang up our stupid cell phones and concentrate on flossing, our teeth would be so much healthier.


posted at 8:50 AM by Kevin

Then there was that time Emmanuel said that Raul wasn't a real Mexican. Raul didn't seem to care, so maybe it was true.


posted at 6:14 AM by Kevin

11.11.2008

I'm totally in the zone.

(That isn't dangerous, is it?)


posted at 4:34 PM by Kevin

11.10.2008

So it seems that as of 2 weeks ago, AOL canned all their members' homepages, with little notice. I'll be sifting through the wreckage here & there to see what I want to bother rebuilding. For now, the fine people at Bravenet have agreed to host my Archives, so the world doesn't have to struggle along without my touching sentiments from days gone by. Re-uploadifying music will prolly be next, but who knows.


posted at 2:19 PM by Kevin

11.08.2008

A childhood friend of mine was murdered by an intruder back in 1992. Apparently, his fiancé's dad was a pastor, and featured the incident in a book he wrote.


posted at 4:30 AM by Kevin

11.07.2008

If you're sending an email to some guy, you can sarcastically call him "Sire" instead of "Sir", and claim it was a mere typo if they get bent out of shape over it.

Life just gets better and better.


posted at 11:47 AM by Kevin

11.04.2008

So I read on TV that these election guys are having some kind of race, and they were questioning whether younger voters would have the patience to stick around and vote if the lines are long, which could effect the outcome. But they musta forgot that today's yuppies have all their fancy iPhones and e-machines and A-Rods, and prolly don't mind waiting around like they would have in the old days.

As for me, I'm not even gonna try to go out in this. 75°F doesn't sound bad, but imagine the windchill.


posted at 5:42 PM by Kevin

11.01.2008

From the year 1964: Devo is self-replicating!

Clearly the Smart Patrol has access to devolutionary time-travel, and preceded themselves in some sort of temporal decay loop.


posted at 11:46 PM by Kevin

10.28.2008

Quote of the Week:

"Maybe mentally, but not stomachly."


posted at 1:45 PM by Kevin

10.26.2008

There's an update with pics of the upcoming Star Trek prequel.
Doesn't look horrible, I guess.

(Like it matters.)


posted at 1:40 AM by Kevin

10.25.2008

Mike Alstott's number 40 jersey was retired by the Buccaneers last week.
This play from 1997 is generally recognized as exemplifying his career.


posted at 6:50 PM by Kevin

10.20.2008

Heroes was pretty good tonight. Suresh said the phrase "my father's research" for the first time in forever.


posted at 11:09 PM by Kevin

10.12.2008

Man, that lady on that one commercial was so busted. They KNEW it was a Glade Plug-In™!


posted at 1:57 AM by Kevin

10.11.2008

The self-help bestseller of yesteryear.


posted at 3:53 PM by Kevin

10.06.2008

Don't let anyone try to tell you that Mary Lou's outburst here isn't perfectly healthy.


posted at 12:56 AM by Kevin

10.05.2008

Site o' the Week:
men who look like old lesbians


posted at 1:26 PM by Kevin

10.03.2008

I still haven't watched last night's VP debate, but I'm going to post this anyway.


posted at 5:55 PM by Kevin

9.29.2008

Both of our cats have whatever it's called when your owner can't trick you into climbing into the freezer.


posted at 6:28 PM by Kevin

9.26.2008

"Disney has just confirmed to IESB that Depp in fact is officially signed on to play TONTO in the Lone Ranger film"

Tonto's going to be utterly precious!


posted at 3:58 PM by Kevin

9.20.2008

"But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills - you're from two different worlds!"


posted at 3:46 AM by Kevin

9.16.2008

Kat Deluna booed after singing National Anthem.
Whoever the hell she is, it was awful. Fortunately, there's a video provided.


posted at 10:55 PM by Kevin

9.12.2008

Tonya Harding shot JFK.

Because she's Lee Harvey Oswald reincarnated. It's on the internet, so I figure it's true.


posted at 12:51 PM by Kevin

9.08.2008

Blog: A life of alien abduction


posted at 4:59 PM by Kevin

9.07.2008

This one is a pretty original premise, as you rarely see vampires taking on rough terrain.


posted at 3:45 PM by Kevin

9.02.2008

So this evening I watched the replay of the Super Bowl from seven months ago. I didn't mention it at the time, but I was totally baffled by the Patriots' decision to forego a not-unreasonable 48- or 50-yard field goal attempt and instead try to gain 13 yards on 4th down. But now, I question even more their previous play on 3rd and 7 from the Giants' 25. . .in a low scoring game, you simply cannot afford to lose yardage in that area of the field, yet Tom Brady was sacked for 6 yards. Whatever Brady was looking for that play, he should have been fully prepared to throw the ball away and preserve a chance at a 42 yard kick. The best call there would have been a QB sneak, but I'm not some fancy city feller on the TV, so bear in mind I may not know what I'm talking about.


posted at 11:41 PM by Kevin

9.01.2008

Here's an interesting article on linguistic declension which I ran across while looking up the plural form of "apparatus".


posted at 4:19 AM by Kevin

8.31.2008

"When you Got it - Flaunt it"

Who wouldn't cling desperately to Edward?!


posted at 5:27 PM by Kevin

8.27.2008

This depiction is completely true-to-life. Only the old west's toughest, meanest gunslingers wore polka-dot Wonder Bread™ bandanas and high-heeled boots.


posted at 4:58 PM by Kevin

8.25.2008

I have re-recorded What I'm Saying. The initial version was anemic. The new improved version is like that dog food you add water to and it makes its own gravy.


posted at 2:35 AM by Kevin

8.24.2008

"I am not a two-timer!"

Of course you are. How could that many rancid frumps be wrong?

(Next issue: Ensnared by DR. COLOSSUS!)


posted at 12:11 AM by Kevin

8.15.2008

Alas. . .this one got past me.


posted at 11:20 AM by Kevin

From Where Do We Get The Word "Church"?

"Kirke or Circe was the daughter of the Sun god, who was famous for taming wild animals for her circus. But get ready for this: Circe is pictured holding a golden cup in her hand mixed with wine and drugs, by which she controlled the kings of the world. Now where have we heard that before?"


posted at 12:43 AM by Kevin

8.12.2008

What's so "awful" about creating an unstoppable army of space-age muscle men? Just 'cuz I thought of it first?!


posted at 7:38 PM by Kevin

8.10.2008



posted at 8:32 PM by Kevin

If you was Deputy, and you seen rustlers camped just t'other side of Coyote Ridge, would you tell the Sheriff, or try to head 'em off y'own self?
It's for this. . .friend I have.


posted at 3:54 AM by Kevin

8.04.2008

Three or four years ago, [Adult Swim] wanted that everybody should send them a minute or so of original music to play during their bumps. I sent them this thing. I rarely watch anymore, so I dunno if'n they ever played it.


posted at 9:23 PM by Kevin

8.03.2008

So I'm reading a book that's considered mildly controversial within christendom, and just came to the statement "The Lord spoke to me one day and told me that religions are just play-pens to keep us from trouble until we mature enough to climb over the bars and follow our Father".

That's good stuff, yo.


posted at 2:11 AM by Kevin

7.27.2008

Random pic of one *badass* hombré.


posted at 2:02 PM by Kevin

7.25.2008

It's Friday night, kids - and you all know what that means. . .


posted at 10:03 PM by Kevin

7.21.2008

Apparently they're trying modernize Archie comics. Notice that like his girlfriend, the captain of the high school sports team has clearly treated himself to a facelift, yet he neglects his gamma-powered eyebrows.


posted at 1:17 PM by Kevin

7.20.2008



Go ahead - click on it.


posted at 8:42 PM by Kevin

7.18.2008

Gummi lighthouses.


posted at 3:43 PM by Kevin

7.13.2008

"From ancient times, pagans had used the 'T' cross image, the initial letter of Tammuz, as a protector and an amulet. This symbol spread to the nations and took on various forms. The fallen church MIXED these superstitious uses of crosses with the cross of Christ.".

I guess Maeby knew what she was talking about after all.


posted at 11:44 AM by Kevin

7.11.2008

When I was the Customer Service Lead, I tried at one point to encourage my employees to engage in maximum utilization of all of our available resources to solve problems, a concept I liked to call "Maxilization". Sadly, the idea didn't catch on. My attempts to get people to think for themselves a little and grow beyond the need for babysitting always failed. All I wanted was to be able to compile the boss' special reports without having to stop and field questions like "Kebin, what do this customer want?" (when the answer is clearly "Um, I wouldn't know. How about you ask him.")

Someday, maxilization will be indispensible to the business world, and then you'll all come crawling back. But I'll be out on a boat somewhere. In a luxurious fur coat.


posted at 3:01 PM by Kevin

7.10.2008

How Stuff Works: The Joker


posted at 3:00 PM by Kevin

7.06.2008

HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS: An Interview you don't want to miss

I was hoping it would be Lance Bass, but it's actually an "insider Physicist" talking about aliens, secret technological advances, and compound rips in time/space.
Fine, then.


posted at 12:41 AM by Kevin

6.30.2008

Apparently, some guy named Lex Gabinia was pivotal in leading to the rise of Julius Caesar and her reign as dictator over Rome.


posted at 3:15 PM by Kevin

6.29.2008

I'm seeing a tremendous possibility for online performance art with World Of Warcraft. Anything from giving your character a little kid name like Billy Peterson, and going around asking random players where babies come from, to naming yourself Multi-Level Mage and asking everybody "HELLO FRIEND! ARE YOUR TEETH AS WHITE AS THEY COULD BE?"
I bet it would be really satisfying to announce to the WoW community, "I'm not ready for my co-workers to hear this, but I want you all to know that I AM OFFICIALLY GAY. It feels so great to finally open up about my true feelings!"

Making people uncomfortable is more appealing to me than the route my daughter has chosen, which involves informing the hardcore nerds of Azeroth that it isn't real.


posted at 11:41 PM by Kevin

6.27.2008

Several years ago, there was a commercial showing that Zima gets grass clippings off of you and onto some other people.

Did they ever figure out what caused that?


posted at 10:13 AM by Kevin

6.26.2008

Ladies and gentlemen, The Ray Wall Band.

Tongue-in-cheek camp, or not, I can't endorse any of this.


posted at 2:21 PM by Kevin

6.22.2008

Top 100 Fundie Quotes

Wow. Do these people dismay anybody besides me?


posted at 12:51 PM by Kevin

6.21.2008

So while watching the worst Shrek movie ever this evening, I realized that the new Hulk looks quite a bit like he did in the comics when Rob Liefeld drew him. I've been searching online for images that would confirm this for me, and while I don't have anything yet, I did find this interesting discussion of Liefeld's artwork.


posted at 9:37 PM by Kevin

It's good when you know your neighbor's got your back.



(Captain America's secret identity was never all that secret, anyway.)


posted at 2:54 PM by Kevin

6.17.2008

EVERY TIME I TRY TO FLIP CHANNELS TO SEE IF GARY COLEMAN AND ANN B. DAVIS HAVE GOTTEN THEMSELVES HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, BUT THERE'S NO KEY! AND THEN DICK VAN DYKE HAS TO PERFORM AN EMERGENCY AUTOPSY TO GET THEM APART, JUST IN TIME FOR THE BIG RECITAL. AMEN.


posted at 12:34 PM by Kevin

6.16.2008

So I'm reading online about some of the aspects of the Morrowind world I haven't yet experimented with, and am told that the game has the following bug: "If you are also a Werewolf and catch Vampirism you will turn into a werewolf with a vampire head. Apart from the optical nuisance, there are several errors in Attribute calculations."

"Optical nuisance"?! Sounds more like potentially one of the greatest obscure gaming experiences ever sought after. I think my Blackula is gonna head north for a bad case of Sanies Lupinus.


posted at 5:15 PM by Kevin

6.13.2008

Fourteen years ago, O.J. Simpson's double murder charges dominated the news during the week my daughter was born. To this day, I get the warm-fuzzies every time I see the Juice in handcuffs.


posted at 10:09 AM by Kevin

6.09.2008



EARTHLINGS: Gaze upon your new Super Bowl. Fear it.

I've been eyeing its construction, since I pass by every so often, and not once have I ever seen any of the players helping. How typical.


posted at 6:03 PM by Kevin

So, New Harbingers of Pith received a message from a BigTime Entertainment agent, saying we'd fit in fine at the gig he's putting together for 93.3 FM ("The Bone"). Sadly, I had to tell him that it's just me, and there is no band. Or concert. Or radio station. (Although, I didn't have the heart to inform him that he's not really a booking agent, but actually an Iraq veteran with PTSD).


posted at 2:55 AM by Kevin

6.03.2008



I just about had an accident the first time I saw this. What do you see? I see a political statement. It's quite obvious what kind of resident this apartment complex welcomes: BLACK people. Black couples with one child and no faces, to be exact. Not white people, brown people, green people, or anybody of *any* appearance other than jet black. Not even black people with zero children, or several children, or any singles.

Etc.

Is there anything more satisfying than Disgust? Seriously, if more people would over-react, we could change the world.


posted at 3:19 PM by Kevin

5.30.2008

"Entertainment is used to indoctrinate or spread disinformation."



posted at 4:59 PM by Kevin

For a few weeks now, we've been letting our cat come and go as she pleases. At times, we won't see her until the next day, prompting Wife to joke that perhaps there's some other family that takes her in at night. It's not funny to me, though, so I'm sure you'll agree that this leaves me no alternative but to write "FUCK YOU" on her flea collar.


posted at 4:11 PM by Kevin

5.24.2008

I thought George Bush got made the election guy this time. Why do they keep changing it?


posted at 6:28 AM by Kevin

5.21.2008

I feel grief in my bosom for anyone who hasn't bought a new vacuum cleaner in the past 15 years. Our old Dirt Devil gave out yesterday, so we replaced it this evening with a less expensive machine. Let me tell you that for the past 45 minutes, cleaning the floors has been a delight, which is a word I don't just toss around anymore. Those of you who have an extra $50 or $75 lying around are encouraged to go out and treat yourself to a new Eureka or Hoover. Truly, my friend, you and I are living in the Golden Age of sustained suction technology.


posted at 11:23 PM by Kevin

5.11.2008

If any of you have racist grandparents, you might consider indulging their backwoods ignorance by signing them up for some inbred redneck white supremacist newsletter. It'll make them feel special :)


posted at 2:51 AM by Kevin

5.09.2008

Well, those Waxahachie brothers really know their Speed Racer. From the fact that Trixie automatically knew how to pilot a helicopter and had the means to obtain one, to the exquisite xylophone work throughout the score, this film had everything it should've. Even a cameo by Peter Hernandez, who first imported and voiced Speed back in the 60s.
My only serious problem was the disregard for the fact that upon entering a race he was forbidden to drive, Speed didn't use his real name - he entered under the inconspicuous persona of "Happy Doodle". This kind of oversight is unacceptable.

I enjoyed the movie, and never ever wish to see it again.


posted at 10:40 PM by Kevin

5.07.2008

So me an' da boyz have entered a VH1-sponsored contest in hopes of somehow appearing onstage wth Yes. There's no open voting, but keep your phalanges crossed that I get a fair shake. The whole concept of "music videos" is @#$%, and accordingly my entries feature mostly still photos. . .I simply have no desire to embarrass myself like these folks:

"Haunting Me"

"Earth Love"


Real Boy-hood, here I come.
New Harbingers Of Pith


posted at 6:30 PM by Kevin

5.06.2008

I keep hearing this song "Believe" by some band called The Bravery, since apparently the Dallas Stars have adopted it as their theme during the playoffs. I have to say, swiping a Lenny Kravitz song and naming it after another Lenny Kravitz song is a pretty resourceful method of songwriting.


posted at 10:12 PM by Kevin

5.04.2008

"Iron Man" is good. A high-tech update on the Black Sabbath rock opera, it's the classic story of a boy who could not love, until befriended by a magical puppet, etc.


posted at 3:00 AM by Kevin

4.30.2008

So it looks like in the new Hulk movie, the Abomination doesn't have those big pointy aquatic-looking ears.

Why do those Hollywood bastards keep ruining my life?!


posted at 9:06 PM by Kevin

4.26.2008

Do forgive my variety of speech, but I must avouch that this gentleman is prone to behaving rather like a jack's ass.


posted at 4:19 PM by Kevin

4.21.2008

Unless I read this wrong, there is no chance in hell of a Season Three for Venture Brothers.

But at least they mentioned The Pirate Guy. ("Oh. . .wow! No way!")


posted at 4:07 PM by Kevin

If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma.
I lived in Oklahoma, and let me tell you - these are so authentic, it's making me thirsty for some o' that see-through Pepsi.


posted at 3:14 PM by Kevin

4.20.2008

Two women report ghost has been having sex with them


posted at 3:06 PM by Kevin

4.18.2008

Marvel will be creating a Black Panther animated series for cable dreadnaught BET.
I hope they get it right, or rest assured, I'll be on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.


posted at 3:10 PM by Kevin

4.17.2008

If you're passing through the mall and a chick at a skin care kiosk stops you to spew her sales pitch, and asks you whether you've heard of the Dead Sea, and after you reply affirmatively, she asks if you know where it's located, you can really shut her up by saying "It's in Nebraska."


posted at 7:57 PM by Kevin

4.16.2008

How the hell did I get to be older than 40?!

Oh yeah. That damn kryptonite-powered temporal field accelerator. Stupid eBay.


posted at 2:58 PM by Kevin

4.15.2008

With the biggest movie stars of yesteryear (Charlton Heston, Elvis, etc.) dropping like flies, it's more important than ever that Clint Eastwood film as many monkey pictures as he can while there's still time.


posted at 3:45 AM by Kevin

4.09.2008

The Simpsons has been dropped from morning TV in Venezuela after being deemed unsuitable for children.

Fortunately, they've replaced it with something educational.


posted at 1:06 PM by Kevin

4.08.2008

Only a few weeks until the beginning of a new comic book mini-series based off of the original Star Trek episode Assignment: Earth.
If you check out the preview artwork, it's really obvious that Teri Garr has been replaced by some random tambourine player from Riverdale.


posted at 12:01 AM by Kevin

4.01.2008

What da hell kinda world we livin' in wit' a RED Huck?!


posted at 11:49 PM by Kevin

3.30.2008

Children in voodoo's power


posted at 2:27 PM by Kevin

3.29.2008

Man Claims He Was Molested by Bigfoot.
Hopefully, this will encourage more of Sasquatch's victims to come forward.


posted at 3:32 PM by Kevin

An editorial discussing the US government's preparations for declaring martial law should they deem it necessary "to detain without recourse millions of its own citizens".


posted at 1:49 AM by Kevin

3.18.2008

Here's an article suggesting that Roswell, with its infamous UFO crash in 1947, is the foundation of the new Babylon, as deduced from a prophecy detailed in the book of Zechariah.
The site as a whole is pretty sizeable, and features some not-unreasonable theories.


posted at 7:49 PM by Kevin

3.11.2008

Stuff White People Like


posted at 8:29 PM by Kevin

3.10.2008

I think a trip to the mall may be in order. It's been far too long since I followed the wife into Victoria's Secret and shouted "OH MY GOD - THIS IS ALL UNDERPANTS!"


posted at 2:03 PM by Kevin

3.06.2008

Frustrated with international policies? Sad over the cancellation of your favorite show? Disgusted with the outcome of Fishomania XII? Check out petitiononline.com for your chance to be heard and make a difference.


posted at 3:41 PM by Kevin

3.04.2008

I remember seeing a PBS special on crystal skulls a few years ago. Like any occult objects, they seem to illicitly embellish and heighten the condemned building known as human nature. Also, there's a welcome mat involved.


posted at 2:02 PM by Kevin

3.02.2008

I'm afraid I may need to increase the subscription price for this blog. I've tried to keep the fee at a minimum and so forth, but I'm not made of sarcastic anecdotes, and frankly, you people are like vampires. If you decide you can't live without this stuff, please click on the PayPal logo to find out what you owe me.


posted at 7:09 PM by Kevin

2.28.2008

It turns out that "modified attack baboons" is the third most common 3-word search string on the internet, behind "residual feces hot-tub" and "giant pygmy cowgirls". Probably.


posted at 10:18 PM by Kevin

A book is underway about farmer Steven L. Gibbs, who claims he received a message from himself from the future, which included a diagram for a time machine called the Sonic Resonator. After building and testing the device, Gibbs renamed it the Hyper Dimensional Resonator and began selling them.

That's horrible. . .farmers having to market electronic merchandise on the side just to make a living.


posted at 5:17 PM by Kevin

I love how some critics of Senator Clinton refer to her as "Hitler-y". Yeah, like THAT'S gonna make me vote for Oksana Baiul.


posted at 4:22 PM by Kevin

2.27.2008

Fremen wannabes. Meh.


posted at 7:31 PM by Kevin

2.24.2008

Yesterday, I was informed that "Tim Ludlow is a baby raper", as painted on an I-30 overpass.
I don't even know who that is, so I'll refrain from commenting until I see some graffiti telling his side of the story.


posted at 2:55 PM by Kevin

2.21.2008

So I treated myself and spent $4 on NCAA Football 2006 for Xbox.

I imagine I'm the kind of video gamer that the industry doesn't care for very much.


posted at 2:09 PM by Kevin

2.20.2008

Initially, when I thought this article said "Have Scientists Discovered a Way of Peeing Into the Future", I was totally on board.


posted at 2:47 PM by Kevin

2.17.2008

Aren't couples supposed to communicate?
Doesn't a wife appreciate when her husband interacts with her?
Then why the hell was she so mad when I woke her up and asked "Wouldn't Aquaman be all pruney?"


posted at 4:47 PM by Kevin

2.11.2008

Allegedly, most of North America is in danger of ultimately exploding and burning due to an accumulation of oxygen in underground natural gas reservoirs. Or somethin'.


posted at 11:50 PM by Kevin

2.07.2008

The first time travellers from the future could materialise on Earth within a few weeks, according to gigantic, radioactive scientists.


posted at 9:15 PM by Kevin

2.05.2008

In other news, this is what old comic books are all about:



posted at 12:44 PM by Kevin

At one point, my wife was friends with this chick who was on General Hospital. Sadly, she wasn't prone to taking very good care of herself.
The real shocker, though, is that she was apparently close enough to John Stamos to assassinate him, but didn't.


posted at 12:10 PM by Kevin

2.01.2008

This ain't real.


posted at 1:58 PM by Kevin

1.28.2008

The word on the Patriots is that they've been able to remain undefeated all season by focusing only on one game at a time. I just have this gut feeling, though, that they're looking past the Giants this weekend to the Pro Bowl on the 10th.


posted at 11:15 PM by Kevin

Jim Nabors really looks like he could go at any time. Everyone loves him from his days as Gomer Pyle. I remember how Gomer would always come up with these crazy inventions that the other kids said would never work, but they finally did work, though not in the way anybody expected. Also he was some kind of singer.


posted at 2:51 PM by Kevin

1.27.2008

You know the phrase "dressed to kill". . .?


posted at 2:40 PM by Kevin

I'll assume that this character has an especially fascinating secret origin story. . .prolly something involving radioactive milk & cookies, or some bizarre soap box derby accident.


posted at 1:57 PM by Kevin

1.21.2008

Well, they're ripping on clowns again. And after all they do for us. What other industry outside of Big Religion, Inc. utilizes the skills of so very many of society's pedophiles?!


posted at 12:37 PM by Kevin

1.20.2008

From News of the Weird:

"TV's Weather Channel recently released a CD comprising 12 of what it called the most popular jazz selections that play on its 'Local on the 8s' weather screens (tunes presumably requested by those who watch the Weather Channel often enough to actually have favorites)."

Is this not the pinnacle of achievement? I don't think I could ever dream that big.


posted at 8:29 AM by Kevin

1.19.2008

Was this guy for real? I have my doubts.
I was really expecting his name to be Tobias.


posted at 10:14 AM by Kevin

1.18.2008

I don't think I ever had this card. I think I would remember the name, like I do other unique names from this season (Horst Muhlmann, Hoyle Granger, etc.)


posted at 8:50 PM by Kevin

1.15.2008

So the new Terminator series on Fox isn't too horrible,which for a TV show is remarkable. Sarah Connor and son John continue their journey towards the future with a new cyborg protector and a reasonable premise of uncertainty on their destiny (which makes sense due to the fluid continuity that a concept like time-travel allows for). John Connor is 15 now, so I'm wondering if he's old enough for his mom to give him the all-important Menopause Talk. . .Surely *all* teenage sons receive an out-of-the-blue explanation by their Mommy about the ordeals of menopause, right? Or was I the only one? I mean, that's not borderline perverted in the least.


posted at 6:13 PM by Kevin

1.14.2008

The prehistoric alignment of world wonders: The Great circle


posted at 12:07 PM by Kevin

1.13.2008

During the second quarter of the Packers-Seahawks game, the referee called a roughing-the-kicker penalty on Green Bay, but he gave the roughing-the-passer signal.

I am too damned fragile to have to deal with that kind of contradiction.


posted at 2:19 AM by Kevin

1.12.2008

This article about the overlooked aspects of the alien presence (entitled "Overlooked Aspects of the Alien Presence") warns of the many factors that could impede our efforts to accurately identify aliens' intents, by posing the question "How can one distinguish between positive aliens and cunning impostors?"
Fortunately, it clarifies for us that "Positive aliens are those who have transcended the vices and limitations that still challenge us, who have attained the heights of spiritual chivalry and serve Creation in the name of freedom, truth, and love. They value spirituality over physicality, respect the freewill of others, and subtly guide us toward fulfilling our spiritual potential without smothering us into becoming dependent on such guidance."

So now we know that beings who appear to fit these criteria can be trusted! You just can't go wrong with subtle guidance toward your spiritual potential. Because "The fulcrum of this timewar rests within us", etc.


posted at 2:58 PM by Kevin

Injun killin' is in my blood. I got it bad. Ever' time I see an injun, or even a cowboy dressed like an injun for some crazy stunt, I just start to shootin' and a-kickin'. Just my nature, I guess. An' after that, I ride around shirtless, lookin' for whisky out in the hills. If'n the weather allows.


posted at 1:23 PM by Kevin

1.09.2008

I remember this Levi's commercial, but I don't recall it having any kind of sexual symbolism. Which is good, because it has none whatsoever.
Anyway, I wore Toughskins™.


posted at 4:10 PM by Kevin

1.07.2008

How sad. . .I just learned that I've been guilty of using "weasel words".
I always try to avoid sounding like a know-it-all, and thus use phrases like "Studies would indicate" or "Some experts claim".

Well, screw that anymore. Now it'll be "I'm right and you suck".


posted at 8:45 PM by Kevin

1.03.2008

Poor, naive Dick. I knew that lousy no-good dame was no good for him.


posted at 2:04 PM by Kevin

12.29.2007

Here's a small sampling of pics claimed to be actual photos of biblical figures, from various sources. Cooool. . .


posted at 12:49 PM by Kevin

12.24.2007

If you were to go to Iran or someplace, and walk the streets wearing an Uncle Sam costume, I wonder whether you'd be spat upon or threatened, or even beaten up or killed. And I wonder would it make any difference if you were a 10' tall Uncle Sam on stilts, like the kind from some parade. . .Would that matter any, or would it be totally wasted on them?
I always wonder about that this time of year.


posted at 3:15 AM by Kevin

12.23.2007

Whenever we go to Applebee's, or Chili's, or Bennigan's, or some similar restaurant Macaroni Grill, and our waiter is a gangly white guy streetwise latino mook, will he always end up being a total spaz who expects us to be his private audience while he pummels us with his "personality" and renders it nearly impossible to pursue a meaningful conversation amongst ourselves? That really seems to be our fate.

I get tired of going out and being expected to happily play right along so that the hyper-sensitive staff isn't uncomfortable serving a godless introvert like me who doesn't act like their newest, bestest buddy =D


posted at 3:35 PM by Kevin

Helpful holiday tip: If you receive a handful of protein bars as part of a Secret Santa gift basket, check to make sure they didn't expire 22 months ago before you start trying to eat one of them.


posted at 4:00 AM by Kevin

12.22.2007

It says here that they estimate that corn is 9000 years old.

Well. Happy birthday, corn!


posted at 5:57 PM by Kevin

12.20.2007

Here's a look at one of the totally non-phallic idols of the ancient Mali empire.


posted at 6:17 PM by Kevin

Something about science and time zones (but no mention of magnets).


posted at 3:46 PM by Kevin

12.19.2007

Barely a day later, I'm already sick of hearing about Britney Spears' daughter.


posted at 7:19 PM by Kevin

12.18.2007

As a Buccaneers fan, I think it's time to demand that they trade Jake Plummer. I've been silent long enough.


posted at 3:50 PM by Kevin

As December wraps up, it's time to swipe The Onion's 2007 timeline.


posted at 1:36 PM by Kevin

12.12.2007



posted at 2:03 PM by Kevin

12.11.2007

When you stop and buy a bouquet of flowers for someone, the temptation to hold it up and tell everyone you see, "I'm gonna get laid!" is just overwhelming.


posted at 11:08 AM by Kevin

12.10.2007

Note to football coaches: when you're clinging to a touchdown lead with just minutes left, and you have the ball and are trying to drain the clock, run the ball instead of passing. Both Tampa Bay (3 games ago against Washington) and Detroit (yesterday vs Dallas) threw an incomplete pass on 3rd down with like 2 minutes left, which stopped the clock. Had they run, even for no gain, that's another 25-30 seconds that would have elapsed, leaving the opponent even less time than they had. Washington fell short in their comeback efforts, but did have adequate time to work with, while Detroit allowed Dallas to score with 18 seconds left - time they should not have had. If you're going to be conservative, do it right and bleed the @#$% clock. Does no one call a quarterback draw anymore?!


posted at 4:29 PM by Kevin

12.08.2007

Researchers can read thoughts to decipher what a person is actually seeing

I only skimmed the article, but it sounds like they've found proof of the elusive 'Jennifer Aniston neuron'.


posted at 1:10 PM by Kevin

This fascinating document is said to have been found on the street in New York, near Marcy & Broadway.

I'm no historian, but this may well prove to be one of the official dispatches sent from George Washington's troops before the British took the city in the latter part of the Revolutionary War.


posted at 12:30 AM by Kevin

12.07.2007

The new neighbors have Life.



I'm calling Homeland Security.


posted at 2:23 PM by Kevin

12.06.2007

Looks like they're really going all-out with the Joker-related promotional stunts for the new Batman movie.


posted at 3:54 PM by Kevin

12.02.2007

From News Of The Weird:

"Japanese adults push their children to save more, but few are buying the piggy bank introduced by the TOMY Co. in November, because, if not fed with savings for a period of time, the bank just explodes, scattering the contents."


posted at 1:54 PM by Kevin

11.30.2007

Genesis: "Watcher of the Skies". For no particular reason.

Also, "Dance On A Volcano".

They really lucked out with Phil Collins sounding almost like Peter Gabriel's (evil) twin.


posted at 11:20 PM by Kevin

11.29.2007

ALIEN ORB EXAMINED MY BABY GIRL -- AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO!

My only problems with this article are that it isn't brief enough, and doesn't have enough exclamation points.


posted at 1:26 PM by Kevin

11.28.2007

Clearly, *I'm* what's wrong with America.


posted at 2:08 PM by Kevin

11.27.2007

It's really tempting to apply for a job as a bookkeeper, and then show up for the interview wearing beekeeper's gear.


posted at 5:30 PM by Kevin

11.24.2007

Tired of generic, mass-produced ritual robes that tarnish your resplendency or mute the uniqueness of your inner sojourner? Build-a-Ritual-Robe allows you to custom order just the right garment for your spiritual needs.

(Please note that the aforementioned link provided does not constitute an endorsement of bitchcraft by Catch 22 On Cloud 9 or the fine people of Little Debbie Snack Foods, Inc.)


posted at 9:24 PM by Kevin

Only a coupla-three days left to vote for your favorite Simpsons episode. I had to go with "Marge In Chains". . .this one killed me right off the bat with the infomercial for the Juice Loosener, and kept me down throughout, as Homer wore any clothes he could find (old wedding dress, devil costume) when they ran out of clean laundry, and Jimmy Carter was declared History's Greatest Monster.


posted at 12:51 PM by Kevin

11.22.2007

On Thanksgiving, one cannot but share the wealth. . .



posted at 11:07 AM by Kevin

11.21.2007

Your Typical Drug Deal.


posted at 12:53 PM by Kevin

11.20.2007

"Hey, wait, biatch - I'm on your side!"

Deacon Jones (not the football player) crossed his fingers repeatedly, hoping that the ray gun was as substandard as everything else around here.

"I said 'I'm on your side'" he pleaded, as he turned to face both the music, and the weirdo who had taken aim at his innards. But there was no longer anyone there; only a trail of radioactive dust which reminded him of something.

Before beginning his hike back to wherever he had come from, he re-evaluated his orders. The scotch tape keeping the plan intact yellowed and cracked with each neuron that bombarded it.
Those infomercial people would answer for what they done, sending him on this errand of fools. He considered how they had deceived everyone on the squad, and he hated the idea of becoming one of them.

The next time he encountered his prey, he would come clean. "I lied. I'm not on your side." Jones rehearsed this over and over until he forgot why he was walking, what he was wearing, and how awful space food was.

"Biatch."


posted at 12:11 PM by Kevin

11.16.2007

Don't you hate when you pair up with an enviro-buddy, but then they end up just replacing him with a sterile enviro-bot? That would probably happen to me, so why should I even bother?


posted at 3:08 PM by Kevin

11.15.2007

Magical Vagina: a music video that defies description (and reason, and most elements of music).

This is the kind of deliberate Bad that some of us can only dream of creating.


posted at 12:18 AM by Kevin

11.14.2007

A teenage girl kills herself after being harrassed by *adults* who created a phony MySpace profile specifically for the purpose of toying with her emotions.

Holy fucking shit.


posted at 12:03 PM by Kevin

11.09.2007

NFL Star Considered 9/11 a False Flag From Day One

I actually played on the same 7th grade football team as Stepnoski in Tulsa. He knocked me on my ass dozens of times in practice, but I can still walk pretty well. I've read that he's been campaigning for the legalization of marijuana.


posted at 1:49 PM by Kevin

11.07.2007

10 Funniest MPAA Ratings Reasons

(This entry remorselessly swiped from Blinky the Tree Frog)


posted at 1:30 PM by Kevin

11.02.2007



posted at 5:44 PM by Kevin

11.01.2007

The X-Men sucked in the 1960s.

Shyeah, like documentation proves anything.


posted at 2:45 PM by Kevin

10.31.2007

I suddenly find myself under the assumption that no one on our street refers to me as General Vague, like I had previously assumed they did. That's really discouraging.


posted at 1:12 PM by Kevin

10.28.2007

Researchers suggest Iraq war was centrally motivated from an Extraterrestrial-inspired religion.


posted at 9:36 PM by Kevin

Back in junior high school, I really loved Styx. These days, I look back and recognize how bad they were. So I decided to check out some of their newer music, and they're just as cheesy as ever: listen to Captain America, a rugged wank-metal piece from their record that features a giant carrot on the cover.
James Young really needs to be kept away from microphones at all times.


posted at 1:27 AM by Kevin

10.25.2007

"The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures, according to a top scientist".

Duh. Anybody with a time machine could have told you this.


posted at 11:27 AM by Kevin

10.22.2007

I saw the most amazing mullet/mustache combination today in the hardware store. I have *got* to start carrying around a camera phone.


posted at 9:37 PM by Kevin

10.19.2007

Jesus' Teaching on Hell: A good study on the intent and meaning of the word "Gehenna" as used by Jesus, which is largely mistranslated to mean what we commonly call "hell". It would appear that he was essentially telling his listeners that unless they repent, it would be Little Bighorn for them. Or that if they refuse to mend their ways, they would face Hiroshima. It seems that Gehenna was a specific place at which specific events had historically occurred to the Israeli people, and its usage was not addressing the eternal fate of individual persons.


posted at 1:31 PM by Kevin

10.18.2007

Roomba-Maker Unveils Kill-Bot

Now we're getting somewhere.


posted at 3:20 PM by Kevin

10.14.2007

If you're gonna write a book, choose a title that begins with 'x' so I can stick it between When Larry Attacks and Yodel Yourself Thin.


posted at 7:56 AM by Kevin

10.10.2007

It came from the 1971 Sears Catalog!


posted at 7:54 PM by Kevin

10.08.2007

Apparently, there was a 6th grade teacher named Mrs. Brotherhood.

That totally sounds like the name of a band.


posted at 2:33 AM by Kevin

10.07.2007

Societal Transformation Through Extraterrestrial Contact by Ed Komarek Big Jim McBob.


posted at 5:00 PM by Kevin

10.03.2007

Female Prime was teasing me about something yesterday, so later I tried convincing her that we got rain while she was across town. I think I made it very clear that if she's gonna pick on me, I have no problem lying to her about the weather.


posted at 12:35 PM by Kevin

10.01.2007

I personally feel that Mary Ann & Ginger should procreate with William Shatner & Leonard Nimoy ASAP, lest we completely lose the bloodlines of everyone's favorite 60's shows.


posted at 12:22 PM by Kevin

9.30.2007

What could be better than going out to eat sushi, and the joint is playing Jon & Vangelis?


posted at 9:24 PM by Kevin

9.28.2007

ZOMBIES WALK AMONG US


posted at 1:50 PM by Kevin

9.27.2007

I often daydream about meeting all sorts of fancy criteria.


posted at 3:20 PM by Kevin

9.24.2007

Every so often, I have this dream in which I'm back working in the cash office where I worked through most of the 90s. In the dream, stuff is all screwed up: security procedures are ignored, people keep coming in and out, such as maintenance workers and other employees who have no business being there, the safe count is inaccurate, everybody's in my way, and then finally the armored car agent shows up to get our daily bank deposit, but I've been unable to prepare it, so we miss the pick-up.

Should I maybe sue somebody over this?


posted at 3:35 PM by Kevin

9.21.2007

Know Your Asshole Footprint


posted at 10:27 PM by Kevin

9.19.2007

From the Duh! Files


posted at 1:21 PM by Kevin

9.18.2007

This science fair project featuring Barbie in an electric chair is, like, the third best thing ever.


posted at 5:22 PM by Kevin

9.16.2007

3:10 To Yuma is pretty good. There's something to be said for movies where someone has to find out and/or decide what they're made of in the face of conflict. But there are a couple of things the story didn't adequately explain: a) why was the gang so fiercely loyal to their leader, and b) how do bullets come of out a gun so fast.


posted at 9:54 PM by Kevin

9.12.2007

Wikipedia's list of Futurama products.
That's a lot of clever stuff, although they had me with Archduke Chocula.


posted at 2:27 PM by Kevin

9.11.2007

Another examination of the events of 9/11, this one citing an error in execution which exposes the use of bombs in the buildings.


posted at 11:40 PM by Kevin

A prophetic writing from 1909 is said to have referenced 9/11. This has me reading up on its author, the controversial Ellen G. White, a major figure in the early days of the Seventh Day Adventist church. Interesting stuff, I think.


posted at 4:23 PM by Kevin

9.05.2007

Is it appropriate to put "Join us or die!" at the bottom of a bridal or baby shower invitation?


posted at 3:00 PM by Kevin